finally I was able (after two attempts, and a whole year of the so called "pre-university" courses) to enter the university I wanted (or something like this... it's my third choice, but it's not that bad in the end)

what I find a little sad is, I feel nothing right now...
like, I should feel happy for getting there, or relieved for not having to study so much for tests; idk, anything...
but actualy I feel hollow...
I think that the sense of "dark-circling-loneliness" which sometimes hits me engulfed the damn everything my heart was weaving for me to feel, like an ocean engulfs a handkerchief
#
ok, so there goes the why:
to the ones that know me personally this is not new, as it has happened thrice before at least...
some time ago I met a guy... he likes the same things I like, he needed someone to improve his english, was having japanese classes, liked nordic, gaelic and other kinds of literature...
he is straight... I fell in love... I was able to talk about anything for him, except how I feel about him, for I get very shy about this kind of matter... something happens (this time is the fact I can no more see him, as he started working, and now he'll have to travel to another state to visit his grandma, who got very sick)... I get a little sad, 'cause of the knowledge we are never gonna be together as I'd like... and the sadness grows each day, until it start hurting...
#
all this I literally know by heart... I just never know WHEN and HOW FAST it will happen... so I each time as it begins I get prepared for the worst, and as I got more heart-swollen the last time I'm able to bear more pain before I start cracking... I always hope that the guy will embrace me when he finally finds out how I feel... (the first time I was dreadly screamed at and almost got beaten in school - the second time I got accepted, kept him as friend, got hugged sometimes, but our relationship as friends began to fall apart; as I started studding as hell, it made my cracking speed bust in a way even I got afraid for my health when finally I couldn't bear all the waiting, and then I lost some friends (one of each I had started liking too, but with less passion) along with that guy - the third is now a little blurry the story I've been through, as it happened only 1 month and something before what's happening now... so I still haven't got time to think and discern what happened)

but this time I think all got wrong...
the fact that I was too busy to think about myself, to care even about my health until some weeks ago, made me survive the much I missed my friends, as a pillow muffles your screams when someone stabs you in the chest...

so now I'm passing through the part of my relationships when I start getting sadder, and it merged just with something I didn't felt in ages: the "dark-circling-loneliness" I wrote above, it's my symptom ...
I know it well, it all starts with a little feeling, as if something of my body was missing, or some kind of heat stopped being produced by it... then is if I felt my life be drained out of my body, and I start feeling my heart is beating slower each day... then, as a kind of protection, I feel that something is circling me, making the distance to everything from the "real world" grows farther and farther...
then as if a bubble had popped, my whole life is seen in third person view...
all my memories before I was 16 (when I met my friends) is in third person...
and I'm afraid it starts being like this again...
~ 'cause nobody can feel happy or alive without having a soul inside the body